Playing God

"A man who sets out to make himself up is taking on the Creators role, according to one way of seeing things; he's unnatural, a blasphemer, an abominations of abominations. From another angle you could see pathos in him, heroism in his struggle, in his willingness to risk: not all mutants survive. Or, consider him sociologically: most migrants learn and become disguises. Our own false descriptions to counter the falsehoods invinted about us, concealing for reasons of security our secret selves.

A man who invents himself needs someone to believe in him, to prove he's managed it. Playing God again, you could say. Or you could come down a few notches and think of Tinkerbell; Fairies don't exist if children don't clap their hands. Or you might simply say: it's just like a man."

The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie



read this passage this morning and it seemed to address so many different parts of the transgender experience: the hatred of the religeous right, creating a new identity and the need to pass. It's left me with food for thought and I'm wondering if anyone sees things in it I missed.

Posthumous Coquetry

When I die, before sealing
my coffin, paint
a bit of rouge on my cheeks,
a bit of black lining around my eyes.

Because in my casket,
as on the evening he confessed,
I want to stay rosy forever,
with kohl blackness around my blue eyes.

Pose me without the sallowness of immortality,
without a pillow embroidered with tears,
on my pillow of lace,
which my tresses inundate.

On wild nights, that pillow
saw our brows together as we slept,
and on the black sheets of our gondola
counted our infinite kisses.

In my pale waxy hands
reunited in prayer,
wind the opal rosary
blessed by the Pope of Rome.

I will unstring it in the bed
from which nothing rises again.
His mouth will place on my mouth
each Pater Noster and each Ave Maria.

Théophile Gautier

The Gloom

When people think of dieing, they think of something in the final days of their existance. But that's not true. The moment we stop growing, we begin to die. Inperceptibly at first a lost hair, I line at the corner of one's smile. Then it accelerates, faster and faster the aches and pains accumulate. You can't eat this or you can't drink that. Your body just can't handle it anymore, By the time we check into the hospital for that final attempt to stave off the inevitable, death is already a fait accompli. All that's left is to close the eyes that one last time.

The Elevator

Last monday I went to see my internist. She’s the doctor that attends to all my medical needs besides specialized liver stuff, the domain of my hepatologist. This was a follow up visit. I have them every 6 months now that I’ve been stable for so long. What we do is look at blood work relating to my overall health and how my hormone therapy is affecting the inside of my body. Everything was good on those fronts, except I’d put on a couple kilograms since November that I need to work on. An abdominal CT later this week and I’m clear for another 6 months.

While I was in the waiting room there was a man who was being kind of inappropriate towards me. It wasn’t that he was ugly, in fact some women might consider him attractive. I would guess his age to be mid to late 30s. What turned me off was his hygiene was a bit rough, like he hadn’t showered in a few days. He also looked like he’d just come from a party at 10:00 in the morning. Maybe hungover or still under the influence.

I was reading a magazine when he entered the room and shouted, “Hello, how you doing?” to me from across the room. I looked up and smiled and went back to my magazine. I caught him leering at me a couple times when I was called into the exam room.

When the doctor and I had finished I went to the reception desk to make a follow up appointment for November. While I was doing that Prince Charming came out from his doctor visit. He was accompanied by an older man that I presumed to be his father. Once again he looked me up and down. I rushed catch an elevator out of there!

In the elevator lobby the two men approached. They were having an animated conversation about where they were going next. When the elevator door opened I stepped in. It was only 5 floors to the bottom and with Dad present Junior couldn’t give me to bad a time. I would be safe. Then he stepped into the car and said to the older man, “wait here. I’ll go get the car. The adrenaline started pumping. Before transition I would not have considered this man a threat even if he were openly hostile to me. Now I was scared.

Dad stopped the door and the continued their discussion. Dad finally decided to join us for the ride down. Relief! When we hit the main floor I let them exit ahead of me. As they went through the front door, Junior looked over his shoulder leered at me and made a kiss toward me. Later that night I shared this story with a (natal) girlfriend of mine. She gave me a knowing smile and said, " Welcome to my world".

Sometimes it Seems Like a Lifetime

Six months since my last entry. Two years since I took those first tentative steps toward transition.

At my last entry I was looking for a job and a new career. I'm pleased to say I've accomplished both of those. Shortly after that post I received a call from UCSF. A mental health clinic run in partnership with The City was starting a vocational rehabilitation program using a Supported Employment model. Would I be interested in being a Life Coach? So began a long hiring process. It's not easy getting hired at the University of California. I had one interview in front of 15 staff members. After I received the offer it took another 6 weeks to do the paperwork. I finally started in July and I'm happy to have found a new direction in my career.

Spring Fever

Along with a higher pollen count, a woman’s senses are filled with thoughts of love! Well, if not love than at least friendship and sex!

I’ve met a man who looks like he’s the friend with benefits I’ve been looking for. He’s a really nice man. Smart reasonably funny and best of all he treats me like a lady! He gives me the skin on skin cuddling that I crave. I feel safe, sexy and warm when he holds me in his arms. He wants to give me pleasure!

I don’t know how long this will last but I going to savor him while he’s here!

What a Difference a Month Makes

March came in like a lion for me! All of the things happening to me are good or for the best. I n February my job at the mental health clinic came to ann end. It was sad for me as I had grown to love being there. My last months were quite eventful. I took a stress management course and came out with important new skills. I learned to let go. I learned to accept supervision without hostility. My interactions with my coworkers became much smoother. My program supervisor told me that she sees many clients pass through her program untouched but that I had made profound changes in myself in my quest to return to work.

After my last day I decided to take a little time off before I started to look for work. That lasted about 10 days until I got bored. I decided I wanted to be a peer counselor in the mental health field. The city had discontinued it’s program due to lack of funding so I had to look outside for nonprofit organization. With the help of my employment counselor I soon had applied for 2 great jobs.

One is with the Independent Living Resource Center helping mentally and physically disabled people to access the resources they needed to improve there lives. I’m happy to say that I’ve landed that one! I’ll start a six week training course on March 27.

I had my 2nd interview yesterday for a job as a mental heath consumers advocate with the Mental Health Association. This would be a much higher profile position that includes organizing consumer groups to advocate to various service providers and do some public speaking myself. My interview went well so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’m the best woman for the job!

Since I hate waiting for the phone to ring, I’ll be looking for other prospective employers next week.

So, here I am 2 months later! Christmas was especially hard on me this past year. I found myself wishing I could drink a magic potion the day after Thanksgiving and no wake up until Jan 2. I did finally get into the spirit of it the week just prior to the day. I found a shopping plan for the people closest to me. Three gifts each each. Something for the head, something for the body and something for the heart. For my daughter I bought a subscription to Mother Jones magazine, a facial care kit from the Body Shop and a silver omega necklace.

New Years eve we got comp tickets to the symphony party that featured Strauss waltzes and Vegas style crooner. Loved the waltz, hated the crooner. My date and I felt like we should be sitting at the kids' table! Most of the revelours were much older than us! It was a good time though. Gave me something to talk about around the water cooler at work!

2007 is proving to be full of big changes. My job is coming to an end on 8 Feb 07. I've begun revising my resume and thinking about what my next brilliant move will be. I'm hoping to land a job as a peer counselor somewhere in the Dept. of Public Health or a non-profit organization. I spent most of my career making money for people that already have lots of money. Somehow I'd like to make a bigger contribution to humanity than that.

My personal life is looking like there will be big changes too. I expect to be living elsewhere soon, either in the Bay Area or maybe Montreal??? I'll soon find out.